She's happy, he's happy, they're happy...

I feel like I really didn't go into detail in my last blog (which I deleted) "Life goes on without me" , so I just decided to rewrite it. Ok, here goes;

The relationship I was in lasted a good 3 years and was probably the best relationship I've ever been in, ruined only because, to me, I became a comfortable, using cad. While all this going on, me and "Lily" began drifting apart after a HUGE fight we had in December of the previous year. After the fight, she began hanging around my ex (who I'll call Annie) what I felt way too much. I admit, I tried everything in my power to make Lily go away but to no avail. I admit, I was even extra nasty to her and I'm not proud of that now. When spring break came around, Annie let me know that she and Lily were going to Texas together and I was not thrilled but I just kept my mouth shut. While away, Annie called me daily which made me smile but one particular night, she called with a drunken Lily in the background, who kept calling me an asshole among other things. Moving along--->

Me and Annie broke up and I shared an apartment with another student who lived in my building. After said student themselves had a bad break up, they informed me that they were leaving school and since they were moving out, I had to also leave (it's a long story I'll blog about some other time) . After unsuccessfully pleading with friends, seeing if any needed or knew anyone that could use a roommate (another blog I'll write about) , Phil, a friend, helped me move most of my things to my mothers residence. When needing help getting the rest of my things, Phil nor anyone of friends were nowhere to be found and believe me I tried everybody. Everyone except Lily. In a moment where I had to swallow my pride, I called her (Ironically, Annie answered at first) and to my surprise, Lily said she would help me. When she came and got me, awkward silence was most of the car ride but there was robotic small talk. After getting my things and dropping me off, Lily said "I'm here for you anytime. I love you" which made me feel good. ---->

Wow, this is pretty long. Time went on and me and Lily began repairing  our friendship but there was the fact that while me and Lily were becoming close again, she was already closer with everyone else, including my ex. I normally wouldn't worry too much about this...except, when seeing Lily's facebook postings lately, it is always "I'm at the club with..." or "I had a great time with...". It's pretty obvious that there is jealousy and envy in my "voice" and I think these are the reasons; 1. I've never been all that close with the friends Lily has been hanging with lately, which include my ex, my ex's sister who I used to despise and a guy who i almost got into a fight with (amazingly, over another former friend of Lily's). 2. The last time I hung out with Lily, I ended up staying at her apartment while she and her mother went to tennis practice.

Ok, I'm almost finished. I guess the main I wrote this was because the situation makes me feel like I anchored Lily and Annie down when I was in their lives full time and now that I'm not, they seem so happy and free. I wonder if my "Oh, now what?" attitude is really a turn off  for everyone, from friends to relationships?

Missing my creativity...

I miss my creativity. Where did it go, you (the reader) ask? To be honest, I'm not entirely sure. The last time I had creative thoughts was around mid December when I wrote a poem about how bad 2011 was for me. I feel like ever since I moved back home, my creativity has been drained out of me. Well, there are times where I'll have spurts of creativity (normally a poem or a short story) only to lose all energy within a couple of minutes of writing. There are times where I have to will myself to finish something and it sometimes takes weeks. What's worse, this draining feeling is starting to effect my everyday life, making it difficult just to get motivated for everything. Unfortunately, I think I know the source to where my missing creativity has gone. I feel it was kidnapped by my depression, holding it for ransom until I can pay them in anti-depressants, which is hard right now because I don't have a regular doctor to prescribe them. It's so tedious to find a "regular" therapist but if I want to get my creativity back, I willing to do so. Damn, I miss it.