Sunday, June 11, 2017

F**k Poetry...

For those of you, my normal readers, who were disgusted by my previous blog entry about racism and pornography, I hope this blog entry doesn't gross you as much.

If you read my blog (I'm beginning to realize I start a lot of my blogs with those words), you assume I like to write. For the most part, I do. News articles, interviews, fiction, non-fiction, comedy, movie reviews and even screen plays if I were given a chance. I used to write poetry, even had a poem published in a magazine about 12 years ago. It was something I enjoyed because it helped me express feelings I felt but was never sure how to say it.

But now, I LOATHE everything about poetry and I don't know where to place the blame.It's a toss up between the teacher of the advanced poetry writing class I took or possibly myself for being so thin skinned. Since this is my blog, I'm going to go with the former.

During my time at WSU, I had taken every writing class known to man and excelled at almost all. I decided to push myself, and in the senior year that I never finished, I took advanced poetry writing, thinking  it would be a breeze. Work wise, it kind of was but emotionally, it was draining. I had a teacher so Goddamn dry, toast would fear him. I swear, the way he talked just put me to sleep most of the time. He would sometimes assign us subjects that were the most uninteresting subjects to write poetry about. I did not care about these poems but after I'm going to say a month of uninspiring poetry, the teacher, I guess, noticed how flat everyone's work was and let us write about whatever we wanted. This was exciting news, even if the teacher said he would assign us subjects to write about from time to time.
A possibly less jaded me on the left.

As I wrote more personal poems, I became frustrated because all of my work was met with a "it's good but..." while it felt like everyone else's work felt like it was being praised up and down. I wrote a particular poem about downtown Dayton and not only did was it met with a "it's good but..." but a douche in the class had the never to say "if no one cares about the downtown Dayton, no real point in writing a poem about it". Now most people I know would say, the SDS looks like he doesn't have a single violent bone in his body. Well that day, I was about to take the that violent bone in my body and stab this douche with it. Yes, folks, I almost got into a fight in the middle of a poetry class. Took two other classmates and the teacher to hold me back. Okay, maybe it was more of a big shouting match but it felt like I was gonna stab him. Instead, I decided that my next poem would be about the douchebag.

The day after I turned in the poem, as I was walking into the classroom, the teacher walked up to me and ask if I could step out of the class room for a moment. He asked if I was okay and I asked him why he asked and he said that he read my poem and was concerned that I would take action against the douche. I assured him that nothing would happen and proceeded to sit in the most awkward class sessions in all time. For everyone's concern, the poem was not threatening. I just pretty much used fancy words to call the douche...a douche.

One of last assignments, if not our last assignment, was to pick an influence of literature and/or poetry and write a poem about them. Everyone in the class was excited about this assignment, except me, of course. I know I've sounded like such a grump throughout this blog but hear me out. I was never influenced by poets or soliloquies, I just wrote about what I felt or saw. I didn't think I needed I needed a certain poet to influence me. And then I had an Epiphany, "that's what my poem would be about, the way the likes Angelou, Frost, Shakespeare, etc... didn't inspire me, I inspire me. I wrote this poem, putting all my heart into it, hoping to reach someone, anyone in what I was try to say (I forgot to mention that most of the class consisted of proto-hipsters). I turned it in, confident as hell that it would blow the socks off of anyone who read it. The next class, I sat in my seat waiting to hear the praises of classmates and, finally, my teacher.

When we read other students poems, I just said "Yeah, I really liked it". When mine was finally read, I was literally sweating bullets to hear responses. I heard "it was all right but..." from my classmates but at that time, their opinions didn't matter, only my teacher's did. When it finally got to him, I waited and waited and waited until I heard; "It's good but...". I was so pissed beyond pisstivity that I couldn't hear anything he said after that. It took every fiber in my being to not scream "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!" in his face but I just nodded. When class was over, I made sure I was the first person to leave. There were a couple of classes left after this where I just sat in silence and turned my work in. I received a B in the class, which felt like the final slap in the face and at that point, I never wanted to write poetry again.

Sunday, April 30, 2017

Porn in Blackness

First of all, this blog is SOOOOoooo NSFW so if you have children and  allow them to read the worst of my blogs, especially this one, you're a terrible human being.

Second, sorry about the title. It was the best I could come up with on a short notice.

Now that that's out of the way, when I was finally able to see "Get Out", one of the many characters that stood out for me was the ill-fated Logan. Seeing him with his "girlfriend" and how she talked about their "relationship" reminded me of two things. The first was Blerds Online blog post about pornography, which can be found here...

Logan looking at a possibly sequel...
The second is where my blog comes in. Yes, I am coming out and saying I watch porn. Oh, don't look so shocked. Porn is really weird when it comes to interracial scenes. I'm mostly talking about Black men with White women or Black women with White guys. These scenes COULD be treated like your typical sex scene but I have the unfortunate luck of finding ones that don't.

As told in the blog I linked above, vintage scenes tend to be uncomfortable because they are always pointing out that the porn actress/actor is black, like I couldn't tell just by looking at them. Words like "chocolate goddess", "my black buck" etc... always seemed to get thrown around. I've seen cases where nigger and black face were used outright. Good example would be "Deep inside Vanessa Del Rio", which does have an actress who plays Vanessa Del Rio's (who is Hispanic) mom and she is in blackface. Not making light of the subject but shouldn't she have been in brownface?

Nowadays, nigger and blackface is not thrown around so freely but interracial scenes and movies are treated like a sideshow. If it's a full movie, it's always given some embarrassing title like "Yo' mama got blacked" or "Negroes in yo' girl". If just a scene or two, it's treated, again, like a sideshow. "Hey, you remember that porn star from the 80s? Well, she's back and this time, she's going to the wrong side of town..."
Well, grannies have to stay busy too, I guess

Subtle, movie, REAL subtle...

We get it, porn industry, coitus between different races is still a little taboo, even in 2017 but this shit can really turn off your viewership. It's shit like this that make me see why women, at least the ones I know, are a little turned off by pornography. I remember watching a scene where a woman, who was mature, said the following; "I like to fuck strange men, black men..." and thought to myself; "Are black men a fetish now or something?".

P.S. Did anyone know there is a fetish of black guys getting off in interracial scenes by being called a nigger during sex. I heard this is sort of a fetish now but damn, how fucked up is that??

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Love me like facebook...

Originally, this entry was about a friend embarrassing me in the middle of a bar on her birthday but wanting to talk about it may have led me to a revelation. Maybe I'm upset with this friend, beyond the humiliating me in public,because I might be jealous of her. When seeing her practically daily post, to me, her posts come off as adventurous, receiving comments, thumbs up and any other emoti-cons on her post while I can barely get a response to mine.

Yes, folks, I've become one of those people who judge their self worth by how many likes, responses and other types of attention on social media. It's a crippling disease that those of us without a real social life suffer from. It's started by looking at our friends' facebook page, seeing that they just had a new baby, had gone to Cancun or was just arrested and say to ourselves; "Damn, I wish that were me!". I know I mostly do it because the most exciting my life goes is folding laundry or going for a walk. Actually, I've seen post where some of my friends have gone on some exciting walks.

As hard as it sounds and is, a great man told me the best advice when it comes to comparing yourself to your friends on social media, DON'T!! Comparing your life to people you know on social media is going to drive you insane. If those words aren't any help, think of the examples I used, the friend having the baby. They're on lock down until that kid turns 16-18. That friend that went to Cancun, unless they come from money (most of the people I know don't), that's probably gonna be a one time thing. The friend who got arrested, kinda speaks for itself. To keep on comparing your life to theirs is punishing yourself for living. To keep doing so may lead you to do something that will probably get you the wrong kind of attention.
"Look, Gina's hair caught on fire while partying with people half her age. I wish that would happen to me!"

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Saw a star shining bright: 5 years later)

This March marks the fifth year anniversary of the death of my friend, Candice Johnson. I've written previous blog entries about her but I couldn't not write one about her this year. It really doesn't feel like five years since hearing the news. I still remember my friend, Michelle, messaging me like crazy, telling me that we need to talk. I didn't pay her any mind because I just thought she just had another crazy weekend. I still remember the seriousness on her face when first seeing her and the words I said when she told me, "I just spoke with her on Thursday..." Also didn't help that I had a favorite cousin die literally on the same day.

Her death is still a mystery to me and Michelle but I speculated it was suicide. Michelle thought the same but it has been years since we talked about so her mind night have changed. In previous blogs, I stated that Candice possibly had a lot to deal with while we were talking. I have expressed my guilt because I feel as my pushing an ultimatum didn't help matters much. I think I was doing this because 2011 was a terrible year for me, worse than 2016 but not by much. I was looking for something good to fill the void and I thought a relationship would be it.

But I did want us to work and not just because Candice happened to have big breasts. I think we were two old souls, even though I am extremely immature. I really don't know how a relationship between two depressed black people would've worked but I was willing to give it a chance.

On the subject of depression, that's the one small thing I took away from her death. It made want to advocate for suicide prevention, for others if not myself. It's painful to feel the urge to want to die and it is a feeling that I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy and I have a LOT of those.

What I want to say to you, Candice Johnson, is that I miss you. I thank you for making me feel good about myself when I didn't. I wish I could've done the same for you. Every time I feel ugly about myself, I think of you and I feel better. I'm not sure how to end this so as the saying goes, until we meet again...

Your frog prince

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Conspiracy Theories

   When you ride public transportation, you tend to hear a LOT of crazy stories. One story that I constantly hear is organizations always wanting to keep the African American community from succeeding or destroying us entirely. Normally, these organizations consist of white people in power whose sole purpose is to control the United States. While I do believe that there are mostly Caucasian authority figures who are out to make anyone who does not meet their criteria of an American's (i.e. minorities) life miserable, prime example would be the elections, I can't comment on whether or not I believe that these people have any supernatural ties. From talks to the Illuminati to Jewish Vampires, it almost feels like African Americans can't catch a break.

I honestly would like to know how these stories began because I admit, for stories like these to get circulated in the black community, there has to be some fact to the fiction. Kind of like the telephone game. As I've said, I do believe there is a system built to keep minorities down. However, when I hear stories of blood sacrifices and Gay Illuminati running Hollywood, I become a skeptic. Honestly, it reminds me of the 1989 horror film "Society", a movie that still creeps me out to this day.
Just adding this poster is going to land me in therapy.
So, if you're gay, you belong to a secret society in Hollywood, secretly funding Black entertainment, as long as those being raised up do you a favor. Jewish people also have their hand in entertainment and, according to an older man on the bus, are all vampires. Weird because the LGBTQ and Jewish community catch as much hell as other minorities.

I am NOT making fun of these people or whether or not they have mental health issues. That might actually be an issue because, honestly, I've never heard any other race of elderly speak like this. Then again, I've never seen many of them ride public transportation around here. And there are those elderly white people saying they wish society was they way it "used to be" so I just answered my own question there.

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Jimmy and his amazing technicolor... friends

A while back, I wrote a blog explaining why it is taking me so long to graduate from college, a two year one at that. I won't go into detail but as I said in the blog, , unless people are willing to help me pay for schooling, do not ask why it's taking me so long.

Now that that's out of the way, during an argument I had with a family member who shall remain nameless, A question was asked about the ethnicity of my friend base. "You don't have many black friends, do you?" was the question, to be exact. "I have many friends from many walks of life." was my answer and this answer is actually true.

The technicolor dreamcoat is a representation of  my friends, every race, creed, color and sex
I have many friends of many ethnicity from all walks of life. Gay, straight, white, black, pan African to punk. Now, there are times when I become paranoid about my friends, especially when arguments with said relative turns to "Well, if they were your real friends..."

And what makes it worst is this argument (it's come up more than once) tends comes up when I'm at a low point in life, casting doubt in me. In situations like this, I like to think that my friends aren't there for me because they have lives of their own and I'm never the most open person unless I'm EXTREMELY close to said friend. Unfortunately, this doesn't help the question or thought popping up in my head every now and then.

However, this doesn't stop me from making friends. My color is never an issue, at least I hope not. I love being black and I love black people but sometimes fate puts certain people in your life to make it a little better or at least, more humorous, no matter their race.

How else could I explain my current best friend being a tall, Jewish woman insults me 50% of the time we're together, and NO, it's not for fetish reasons.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

#BeatHavok (Used to be a fan)

Oh, no, another blog entry about wrestling, yadda, yadda, yadda...

I remember having a huge crush on the dominating female wrestler named Jessicka Havok (yes, it's spelled that way). What I saw in her was the amalgamation of Bull Nakano and "Sensational" Sherri Martel, two of my favorite women in the wrestling industry. Like Sherri and Nakano, Havok is beautiful, fierce and has an affinity for face paint.
Someone obviously pissed in her Cheerios that day.
 I first saw Havok in action on an episode of TNA Impact wrestling and was immediately enamored with her intimidating style but cute face and I was a immediately a fan. The huge thighs helped also. As I kept watching Havok dominate the TNA knockouts division (women wrestlers), I kept wanting for Havok to become the knockouts champion to no avail. Since Impact wasn't in good shape, as if they ever were, I, at least wanted her to leave the clutches of TNA and move on to greater pastures. And then I heard the news WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) was interested in her. Now, I admit that right now, I am not the biggest WWE fan but I was happy to see her move on to bigger and better things. WWE happens to be the biggest wrestling organization in the world, or at least in the U.S.. Then, news broke that WWE decided not to bringing her on. At first, I was angry with WWE, thinking that they didn't hire her  because she wasn't shaped like a Bella or nude photos of popped up of her the moment she became legal (which I wouldn't have minded) but when the reason came out why she wasn't chosen was released, I surprisingly took WWE's side.

It was leaked all over the internet that in the past, Havok had posted some quite racist and homophobic tweets. As much as I liked Havok, a person who could say the things she said in such a jokingly manner pissed me off and I lost respect for her. At the time the tweets were revealed, Havok put out an apology, saying she was "young and dumb". She has recently come out and said that the tweets were set up by internet trolls to ruin her career.

Now, in her recently posted (well, a few months ago) blog, Havok said that she was tired of having to explain herself and the "only God can judge me" defense and that everyone has or done something racist and stupid in their lifetime. Perhaps she's right, I know I've made my fair share of race jokes from time to time (if any of you are concerned whether or not I've said the N word, I'm black, not that that means anything) and as she said, people mature and grow. I know I still am.
How classy of her...

 My problem in the situation is in the beginning of the scandal, she issued a message that sounded a tad robotic and in her blog post, she just sounds so pissed off that the whole situation hasn't gone away, years later. She channels this by saying "if you're a fan, that's cool. If you're still offended, fuck you", and it's not that simple. There will be those who believe her and those who, like myself, who really think she just wants us to forget about it. I know at the moment that because, 1. I was a HUGE fan of hers and 2. You never know what people are truly truly thinking. If I were to say anything to her, it would be that I don't hate her but I've lost a great deal of respect for her. I am not some troll, I'm just a wrestling fan with an opinion.

Havok's blog post can be found here...